


It Gets Better

by soupycide (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hope, M/M, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23007280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/soupycide
Summary: A rewrite of drabbles I did in high school and maybe some new ones if I feel like it. There are tree bros, but a lot of platonic and comforting romantic moments.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Kudos: 22





	1. Don't Disappear

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [woW THIS IS GAY](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10703193) by [astro_princey (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/astro_princey). 



Evan ran his fingers through Connor's long caramel hair, "You okay?" He whispered gently, not wanting to disturb the silence. He knew something was wrong when he received a text from his boyfriend that just said " _coming over."_ Then fifteen minutes later, he opened the front door to see Connor. Their blue eyes met before the taller boy wrapped his arms around Evan's waist and lay his head on the crook of his neck. They stood for a while, just taking in the presence of one another until it felt right to move. When they were together, it was as though the world had steadied once again.

Now they were laying in Evan's bedroom, curled into one another, listening to soft music that was only played when the two just needed a moment. Connor's eyes were closed, giving Evan a chance to notice just how long his eyelashes were, but the circles of sleepless nights under his eyes seemed much darker than usual.

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"Senior year, junior year, all of high school in general." Connor opened his eyes and looked at the fraying comforter beneath him, avoiding Evan's eyes. "How far you're going to be…"

They'd been waiting for this conversation. Going off to university was a big deal, especially for them. While Evan went away, Connor would stay in their hometown, going through community college with a handful of kids from their high school. "I won't be so far, just a couple hours drive." Evan softly reassured.

"What if you meet people better than me," he paused, pulling at one of the stray threads, "it isn't that hard."

That stung Evan's heart.

How could Connor ever think that he wasn't enough to him? He was Evan's world, and at one point his one of his only reasons for living. His ever so sly smile always crept into his heart and lit up even the gloomiest of days. He cupped his boyfriend's cheek and smiled sadly. "That won't happen, I love you." Connor looked him in the eyes, that single stripe of brown softening the electric blue intensity.

"It's just my life changed so much because of you, I wanted to disappear completely, but you saved me from so many things."

"Connor, that wasn't just me, you helped yourself too." Evan felt his eyes water. "You're strong, funny, beautiful, and tragically insecure sometimes, but I just gave you some initiative to take control of your life. You've grown so much." Tears spill out of his sky blue eyes and onto the sheets of his bed.

"Please don't cry." Connor hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek.

"Please don't ever disappear."

"I won't. I promise."


	2. I Wasn't Joking

So maybe it wasn't a good idea to lay down on the top floor of a parking garage when a storm was in the forecast. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to let Connor go outside after being sick for a week. Maybe Evan should have brought an umbrella. Maybe Connor should take some initiative when it comes to his health.

"Do you need more blankets?" 

Connor shook his head, sipping his chamomile tea that Heidi had bought for the many times the caramel-haired teen came over. He shivered from under the blankets that he'd stolen from Evan's room. 

Evan lifted his hand to the other's forehead and winced."I think your fever is back." He got up from the living room couch and walked into the kitchen. Prepping a damp washcloth, Connor coughed from the other room. He usually avoided taking pills anymore, so home remedies would have to do for now. "Connor, you should get out of those blankets, they'll make your fever worse." He tugged on the thickest one, pulling it from Connor's shoulders.

"Make me." Connor set down his tea on the coffee before pulling the blankets closer. 

"Connor. Give. Please."

"Don't make me stop you."

"Connor, please give me the blankets!" Evan scolded, tugging another blanket. Earning a smug grin, he was pulled forward practically on top of the feverish teen. "S-sorry!"

"I said, don't make me stop you." Their faces were inches apart, Evan's heart clenched. "I'm going to kiss you if you try to take them away and get you sick." 

Connor glared at Evan's flushed face, getting a couple laughs in response.  
"That's such a weird threat..." The honey blond smiled nervously, backing up a bit and sitting across from Connor on the couch. He was still glaring at Evan, less menacingly than he would when he was annoyed. "C'mon, give." The blankets tore away from Connor in a single pull, causing him to get up and walk next to the couch, he looked down at Evan. "I'm just trying to h-"

  
Connor's chapped lips were on his in moments, nothing intrusive, just a rough peck on the lips. He picked up the blankets from Evan's hands and curled up in them again, closing his eyes. Evan stared at him. "I-"

"What?"

"I-I thought you were j-just joking."

"I wasn't." Connor opened one eye, raising his eyebrow at Evan.

"Well, I get that now..." he felt his lips for the hovering warmth, which had slowly faded. Connor stared at him from the far end of the couch. "Why?"

"Are you fucking serious? Evan, I'm delusional with a fever, impatient, and you're right here with stupid fucking raindrops in your hair. Why wouldn't I kiss you?"

"Because I'm a mess."

"Fine, I won't do it ever again if it made you upset." 

"I didn't say that."

"Didn't you?" Connor challenged, burrowing even farther into his pile of blankets. Evan looked down at his shirt messing with the hem. He moved closer to Connor, shaky hands pushing away his mess of hair that hung over his angular face.

"I didn't say that." He kissed his nose softly, taking the blankets back again and placing the cold damp rag on Connor's forehead. "We can try this again when you're not sick, okay?"

The taller boy grumbled out an okay, closing his eyes. Evan smiled touching his lips again; truth be told he was glad Connor hadn't been joking.


	3. Make A Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is so sappy I just left it the same and corrected grammar.

The summer breeze swept across the golden fields of the apple orchard, kissing Evan's freckles along his arms and cheeks. He laid in the tall grass, eyes closed, at peace. A faint smile could be seen if you looked close enough, or if you were staring like Connor. The taller boy couldn't help but stare intently at his shimmering honey-blond hair and fluttering eyelashes.

Picking a dandelion puff next to him, Connor twirled it in his fingers, blowing the seeds off and closing his eyes. He wished. At first, they gently traveled forward in the wind, carrying them a few feet away, until a gust brought them back almost in Connor's face. Sputtering, he frowned, trying to get them out of his hair. He heard a chuckle next to him.

Evan looked at him with shining eyes, corners crinkled by the grin Connor was receiving. He sat up, picking the seeds out of his long locks of copper hair. One, two, three, ...seven...Connor looked up from his hands to see blues staring at him. His bangs fell across his face like a curtain of insecurity.

"You've got one more." Pulling off the last seed from the left side of his hair, Evan smiled. "There. All better." His shaky hands moved Connor's hair away from his eyes full of intensity and admiration. "What did you wish for?"

Catching Evan's face in his hands, he presses a light kiss to his cheek, which was now an alarming shade of pink. "That."

"C-can you wish for it again?"


	4. Bringing Him Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm always a sucker for happy Murphy siblings.

Zoe took a handful of seawater throwing it in Connor's direction if it had been old Connor he would have pushed her or spewed curses in her face, but he laughed. And he did push her, gently, not enough to knock her down. He grinned, making her own smile grow wider in the midday sun. His hair was tied up in a tight bun, just like she had taught him to only a couple of weeks ago.

Evan waded through the water standing next to Zoe to watch Alana and Connor run their hands through the sand to find shells. "Thank you." She whispered smiling at Evan. "Thank you for bringing my brother back." He smiled turning his attention back to their significant others.

Connor's black tank top stuck to his chest from the seawater and lose strands of hair lay slick against his face. His smile faded when he looked at Zoe, her eyes clouded with tears. Taking a few steps towards her he mumbled. "Is everything okay?" Finally, she let go of her tears earning a worried glance from her brother.

"I'm so glad you're here." She choked, looking up at his angular face. He'd graduated, gotten in a relationship, was accepted into a college, started therapy, he was happy. He wasn't slamming doors, failing classes, pushing everyone away, he wasn't angry at the world anymore. He was her brother, and that's all she needed him to be.


	5. Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I really like this one.

To Connor, finals didn't mean much. He wasn't on a scholarship; he didn't need to pay for his college; he just kind of cruised by. It was different for some students, take his friend, for example.

Looking up from his sketchbook, Connor sighed. Evan, his rather adorable roommate, was biting on a pencil while he crammed for his Environmental Science final. The page he'd just looked up from was filled with different faces that the freckled college-sophomore made when he studied, oh the perks of being an art major, you get an excuse to draw people you find attractive just for the sake of practicing your craft. It was about midnight, which was rather late for Evan, considering he had early morning classes. But here he was staring at his papers, disheveled honey-blond hair sticking up in every direction, crumpled white t-shirt and blue plaid flannel pajama pants. Evan Hansen was an overly apologetic angel from the same hometown as Connor. They'd only talked once or twice before college if their first encounter could even be called a "talk." Long story short, Connor pushed him after a little altercation with Jared Kleinman and yelled at him in the computer lab over something rather minuscule. Their second conversation was a few months later, an apology. Then friends.

Calling them friends was a bit of an understatement. Anyone could see that Connor indeed had a "big gay crush on Hansen," according to his sister. Even if it was painfully obvious, the art major wouldn't dare to confess anytime soon, well, until now. As the night dragged on, it was getting increasingly harder not to grab Evan's face and kiss him right there in their dorm.

"Connor, stop staring, you're distracting me," Evan mumbled, barely moving the pencil from his mouth.

"Don't you think you should get some sleep?"

Looking up from the stack of notes, Evan shook his head. "I'm too nervous to sleep, and I _need_ to study."

"You already know everything, Evan. Fuck, at least lay in bed or something." Connor suggested closing his sketchbook. Was he really about to do this? Was he about to abandon every ounce of logic for this exact moment? Yes. Of course, he went back to studying, glaring holes into his carefully handwritten notes from the entire year. One. Connor got up from his chair. Two. He landed himself next to Evan. Three. Evan looked up, taking the pencil out of his mouth.

"Connor, I already sa-"

Well, in Connor's mind, a few alarms were going off. First off, he was kissing Evan Hansen. Second, it was perfect. Third, he was being kissed back. Separating himself from his roommate, Connor smiled to himself. "Please just try to get some sleep," he paused, pursing his lips, "and shit, sorry about that you just - I had to." Making his way to his bed, Evan called out from the desk.

"C-can I just lay...with you?" God, he was blushing so much.

"Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skipped one that I didn't really like. So it's off by a chapter.


	6. Carve A Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want you to know that this was jumpstarted by listening to Carve A Name by Mother Mother.

Evan felt the breeze on his face as he sat against the tall oak tree in the forest, he felt…content. In his left hand, he held his boyfriend’s hand, smiling to himself. He had a boyfriend. Slipping away Connor pulling out a Swiss army knife. “What are you doing?” Evan asked opening his eyes. “Connor?”

  
“I’m carving our names into the tree, Ev. Just st-” Practically throwing himself at his boyfriend, Evan knocked Connor onto the grass. “Evan, what the fuck?!” He couldn’t stay annoyed for long though.

  
A couple of feet ahead Evan stood in front of the tree, glaring intensely. “Connor, do not cut the tree.”

  
“Evan, it’s just the bar-”

  
“No.”

  
Cracking a smile Connor chuckled. There stood his boyfriend, cheeks puffed out and stance wide, protecting a fucking tree. Evan fought to keep a straight face when the taller boy fell to the ground laughing. “Oh my gosh, Ev, it’s just a tree.”

  
A sharp gasp came from the freckled boy, who was grinning wildly under the shade. “Connor, how dare you say that?!”

Walking up to his boyfriend, Evan’s grin melted into a look of admiration. “I love you, but don’t carve a name in the tree.”  
“Fine…” Connor smiled rolling his eyes playfully. “I love you too, and there will be no name carving in this tree.”

  
“Good.” Evan, on his toes, gave Connor’s cheek a peck.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you have to go back and finish the fight. You keep digging and don't let go. (this one hurt)

“Hey.”

Silence festered between the two, souring the air. Evan clenched his fist around the navy blue duffel bag strap, taking in a shaky breath.

“I’m still…I’m still, in love with you, you know that, right?” Connor stated with tears in his eyes, his voice breaking at the question.

“Yeah…” Evan nodded struggling for a deep breath. He walked through the open front door silently and felt a tear roll down his face, before turning around on his heels. “Call me at the end of the week.”

Connor nodded back, avoiding Evan’s deep blue eyes and shutting the door.

He stood outside the apartment dumbfounded, wet salty tears trailing down his freckled face one by one. This wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to take a break, but Connor just kept pushing him. Purposely trying to push him over the edge, like he wanted Evan to give up on him and leave. Trudging down the stairs the pit in his stomach grew. Taking a quick, but painful, walk down the street he took an elevator to Jared’s apartment.

“Evan?” His friend questioned staring at the duffle bag in dismay. He knew. “Take the couch.” Letting Evan, in Jared shut the door behind him. “What the fuck happened? You guys were fine last week.”

Sitting down on the worn leather couch Evan’s face fell into his hands. Then came the tears built up over a week of endless fights and silent treatment, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. His body shook, curling into himself, wishing he could just disappear into thin air. He was alone, yet again.

“I’ll go make some tea.” Jared sighed. He’d matured so much since their fight senior year of high school, he was more patient and…understanding. He went to therapy for a couple of years and reshaped the new Jared Kleinman throughout college. Evan had witnessed his family friend become his closest true friend, besides Connor…but even that was hanging by a thread. “Here.”

Taking the white porcelain mug Evan shakily sipped the chamomile tea.

“What the hell even happened?”

“He just kept…he just kept on pushing it, us. Every little thing. It was like he wanted to chase me away…to chase me away for good.”

“Not to sound like a therapist, but maybe there’s a reason for that?”

Taking another gulp of tea Evan nodded thoughtfully, still doubtful. He stared into the mug, voices bouncing around in his head ricocheting off of each other. After five years of dating and a year of living together Evan felt like he needed to know, he had to know why. Why was Connor pushing him away, now of all times?

“Look you know him better than me, but I know for a fact that Murphy is fucking terrified of isolation. And he’s isolating himself, just like college. Sophomore year, remember?”

Evan remembered. He wished he couldn’t. The ghosting. The scars. The drugs. Everything all at once. It was the rockiest moment for them, three months of passive-aggressive remarks instead of facing their problems head-on. Until Connor landed in the hospital. “I don’t want that ever again…”

Jared nodded running a hand through his dark brown clean cut hair. “Look I think you should sleep, you look exhausted and something tells me you’re going to need at least one night of decent sleep.” Patting Evan’s shoulder he smiled sadly. “Just sleep on it.”

Pulling a blanket from the armchair and a pillow from the other side of the couch Evan lay down. Staring at the ceiling as Jared got ready to sleep. He didn’t get much sleep, more than he would the rest of the week, but not enough.

* * *

Three nights. Three nights of horrible violent nightmares that yanked Evan out of sleep. All the same in a way, Connor disappearing. The first nightmare Connor ran across the country, leaving a note for Evan to _leave him alone forever._ The second nightmare started sweetly, a nice dinner on the roof of their apartment building until Connor threw himself off of it. The third night of torture was the worst. Evan was invisible and helpless, unable to help Connor.

He looked at the clock across the room, four in the morning. Evan untangled himself from the blankets wiping his eyes of any tears. He needed to go see him. Groggily Evan shrugged on a jacket and slipped into his vans, making almost no sound in the already quiet apartment. When he got outside the cold damp air of Bellingham hit him even through the jacket. His pace quickened remembering his dreams. Pounding in the door he gasped for breath.

“Evan?” Connor asked staring down at his frantic faced boyfriend. The once fading bags under his icy blue were bruised by his own sleepless nights. He looked…terrible. Connor wiped the tears off his cheeks looking away from Evan, his voice wobbling. “What…what are you doing here?”

“I had a nightmare about…about you and just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Evan’s own hands shook, kneading his fingers into the hem of his jacket.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Connor.”

“Fuck off, Evan, I said I’m fine!” He growled, pushing the door shut until Evan stopped it with his foot. Taking a couple of steps in he let it close behind him. “I-I’m fine. Just leave, I h-hate…I hate you!” Connor shoved Evan away staring beyond the stocky frame of his boyfriend.

“No, you don’t.” Evan wanted to run. To hide back in Jared’s apartment, crawl into the blankets and disappear forever. He had to be strong. Evan had to be strong, for Connor. “Why are you pushing me away? Why are you _trying to hurt_ me?”

Connor stumbled backward, falling onto the couch. His hands mangled with torn skin from punching walls and biting cuticles covered his face. The six-foot young man curled into a ball trembling like a child in a storm, lost and alone. It felt like hours as Evan stood and stared battling the voices in his head. He could leave. He could escape. He could just let go.

“I’m going…I’m going to sit next to you.” Slowly he lowered himself onto the couch leaning on Connor. “I just…when I picture myself happy… it’s with you. The last thing I want is to lose you…to lose you to whatever’s telling you to push me away.” Taking Connor’s hands away from his tear-soaked face his blue eyes averted Evan’s concerned face.

“I’m not good enough for you.” He spat pulling his hands away, tangled copper hair covering his face.

“You are good enough…you make me happy.”

“I have never made you happy, Evan. I yell at you and push you around! Is that really happiness to you?”

“No! _You_ pushed me away, _you_ lashed out, and I think you’re just afraid to be happy!”

Connor flinched staring out the living room window. His eyes glazed over looking at the small city skyline and the slowly rising sun. “I’m…I’m not afraid to be _happy_.” Blinking away tears he pursed his lips, finally staring Evan in the eye. “I’m afraid,” he paused shouting his eyes tight struggling for breath, “I’m afraid I’m going to destroy you.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a mess! Evan, I’m still fucked up! I still have days that I can’t leave bed or-or eat anything because I’m a fucking mess…and _you_? You know it. You know I _will_ self destruct one of these days and you’ll get caught in the blast. I don’t…I don’t want you to go through that because of me.”

An agonizing silence followed. Evan fidgeted on the other side of the couch, itching to help Connor. He opened his mouth to protest only to shut it again realizing it wouldn’t aid him in any way. Two, maybe three, years ago he would have left. Leaving would have been his only option then. But not now. Not anymore.

Evan cleared his throat moving Connor’s hair from his face. “I remember practicing how to ask you out to the mirror.” He whispered, struggling to hold eye contact. “Took me weeks, even though we were best friends already. You seemed…you seemed so surprised.” Connor stared at the coffee table, eyes tearing up again but only one falling down his cheek. “Do you remember?” Evan smiled sadly taking his hands once again.

“Of course…”

“I’m not going anywhere. I love you and just because we hit a…a rocky patch doesn’t mean I’m going to leave.”

“You sound like your mom.” Connor scoffed, cautiously leaning into Evan’s arms.

The blond chucked muttering, “I mean she did raise me…” Holding Connor tighter he could feel him shiver as silent sobs escaped. Gripping the back of Evan’s jacket he twisted the fabric in his fingers, burying his face in his chest. Evan could feel his own eyes water whispering into Connor’s hair. “It’s okay…it’s okay, we’re okay.”

“I-I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just-god I’m so stupid!”

“Don’t say that. You made a mistake. And that’s…that’s okay.” Kissing the top of his head Evan pulled him closer. “This…this is progress, you’ve worked for so long. Therapy has been so much for both of us, but this is progress. Us working this out, together, is progress. Okay?” Lifting Connor’s chin he gave a small smile and kissed his forehead.

“Yeah.”

* * *

Opening his eyes the sun blinded Evan for a second. No one laid beside him on the couch. Connor wasn’t there. “Connor?” He grumbled, pulling the blankets off he sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Connor?” He called a little louder.

Walking out of their tiny kitchen stood his boyfriend with his own crooked sleepy smile. “I made oatmeal and toast.” Picking up two bowls with plates carefully balanced on top Connor set them down on the coffee table.

“Connor.” Evan cautiously started.

“Yeah?”

“We…we _can’t_ just gloss over everything.”

He froze glancing at the floor. “And we won’t, but we can try having breakfast for starters.” Eating silently they bathed the sunlight shining in from the window, the clinking of silverware on porcelain filled the living room. “I don’t expect things to change, but I want to make them better.”

Evan took a bite of toast. “That’s what I want, too.” Looking at the wall clock he stopped. “Don’t you have work today?”

“In forty minutes, I’ll be shelving books and slaving over the dewy decimal system.” Connor groaned picking up his dishes. “I’m thinking dinner, tonight, at Rosanne’s.”

Rosanne’s was the old diner on the edge of the city that bordered vintage. They had their first meal in town there. Connor ordered the spinach and mushroom omelet, Evan deciding on chocolate chip pancakes for himself. It was a perfect night to start their life in an almost perfect town.

“I’m thinking I’ll be off work at five.”

“I’m thinking I should get ready for work.” Giving a quick peck on the lips Connor got up, placing his dishes in the sink and walking into their room to change. _Their room_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha I skipped another...


	8. Banished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> found this hidden in my google drive so it patched it up

Evan pulled the lilac duvet away from Connor, smiling mischievously. His boyfriend lifted an eyebrow, sitting up in his flannel pajama pants and a white tank top. Evan grinned, giggling from under the blankets. 

Connor leaned down, eyes shining.

Then he tickled him. 

Evan practically screeched, almost rolling off the bed in a panic. "Connor! No, stop!" He laughed squirming. Pulling the pillow from beside him he smacked it on Connor's head, getting himself a break. "Take that!" Scrambling into a sitting position, he prepped his pillow. 

"Oh, you wanna play dirty, Hansen?" He beamed, quickly picking up his own pillow. Evan hit him again from the side. "You're gonna get it." Lightly, he smacked his face and took his chance at the distraction to tickled the smaller man. 

"Noooo!" Curling into a ball he gasped trying to catch his breath. "W-wait!"

Connor stopped looking slightly concerned. "You okay?"

Getting up from the bed, he walked to the other side, Evan took his boyfriend by the waist and dragged him off the bed. Thankfully all those years spent climbing trees gave him excellent upper body strength. "I'm banishing you from the bed, it's mine now."

"You can't banish me! This is my bed too!" Connor complained struggling. "Okay, it's not fair that you can carry me. You're short as hell."

"I'm 5'9, Connor."

"Okay, you're short compared to me then."

He let Connor down outside the bedroom, grinning to himself. "One, you're only taller by three inches. Two, I must return to my kingdom now." 

Sitting with his legs in front of him like a toddler, Connor looked up. "What will it take for me to be unbanished?" 

Evan shrugged, smirking.

"Oh, get down here, pretty boy." Yanking Evan's shirt he pulled Evan down next to him. "How 'bout a kiss?"

"...maybe?"

Leaning over, he gave Evan a peck on the lips, then another, and another, and then three on his cheek. "Am I unbanished now?"

"Yes." He smiled resting his head on Connor's shoulder in their apartment hallway. "Also, I'm ninety percent sure that 'unbanished' isn't a word."


End file.
